![]() Tiff’s Treats does not sell milk- and cookie-infused vodka cocktails.Puyallup, Wash., does not have a police camel named Carl “to help us overcome humps and challenges.”.Obviously there are no giant squirrels in Zion National Park.Life inTents is not offering “Runway Glamping” reservations at Eugene Airport in Oregon.An airline based in Yukon, Canada, is not using dog sled teams to tow its Boeing 737s around.The Bureau of Land Management’s Oregon-Washington division did not bring camelops back from extinction.Duolingo did not produce a reality hookup show where no one speaks the same language, though we’d actually watch if they did.The shoe company Saucony is not rebranding itself Sock-A-Knee so people will stop mispronouncing it.(We think? He hasn’t confirmed it’s a joke, but that just seems like commitment to the bit.) ![]() 1 pick in the upcoming NBA draft, is not opting out of the draft and staying in France. Signature Theatre in Arlington, Va., is not producing “The Cows: A Moo-sical.”.Congress is not going to set song length limits on Go-go concerts in D.C.UVA is not removing the superfluous 'A' from its name.England’s University of Gloucestershire is not offering a degree in “cheese rolling sciences.”.Emory University is not offering a Bachelor of Science in Mascot Arts.Researchers at England’s University of Stratford have not discovered Shakespeare-writing monkeys.You can’t buy carrot and parsnip perfume.(Correction: Actually you can, but you can’t grow one? We’re not fisher people this one’s a little over our heads.) You can’t buy an alarm clock that wakes you up to the sound of power tools.You can’t buy a shirt with a special pocket for pizza slices.You can’t lick a package of frozen broccoli florets to taste before you buy.You can’t buy bean-and-toast flavored tea.You can’t buy square cheese things from Babybel.You can’t buy square doughnut holes from Tim Hortons.You can’t buy a violin bow strung with your own hair.You can’t buy an 18.7 pound solid-steel coffee mug.You can’t buy car seat covers laced with caffeine.You can’t buy bad seatmate plane insurance.The University Musical Society at the University of Michigan is not launching a chatbot called Cleffy, though the image is now burned into our eyes. ![]() Williams and Amherst Colleges are not merging into Wamherst.Louis Battlehawks aren’t moving to Los Angeles (like the NFL’s Rams did). Major League Soccer’s Colorado Rapids will not be wearing a buckskin fringe uniform.The anti-virus company Malwarebytes doesn’t have an app that identifies creepy dolls and “toilets with threatening auras.”.TrueCar is not introducing an AI car-buying technology called CarGPT.Ikea is not using a magic mushroom lamp to enlarge all its kids’ furniture so grown-ups can sit on it.Camp Chef is not introducing a kit for making candles out of grease drippings.Ocean Spray is not introducing jellied cranberry sauce condiment packets.The Panera Bread Breadbowl Hot Tub is not real.Fiat USA is not selling cars with a pasta maker installed in the console.Archaeologists have not unearthed a book of dad jokes from ancient Rome called “Liber Patavinus.” (Shame on you, NPR.).GasBuddy is not introducing a signature fragrance called Pump No. ![]()
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